


keep the light on

by fated_addiction



Series: about last night (and every night after that) [1]
Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Lowercase, Romance, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 22:28:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12397524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: california isn't sunny.Moving forward is kind of like an exorcism. Or not. Yuri doesn't care either way.





	keep the light on

**Author's Note:**

> So. This happened. On my iPhone again. And lapslock too, of course. 
> 
> But I have a lot of feelings about SNSD and stuff. And Yuri's "business" trip to California. And how she and Tiffany went on a ice cream date on Tiffany's Instastories. Soooo yeah.

-

 

 

 

california isn't sunny.

the weather says _72!_ but there's an overcast. and it's kind of cold. yuri packed her real jacket, but wears a thin one. this is her second trip out here. this isn't a work trip. her suitcase is small. she should have thought about it a little harder.

the phone rings. "are you here?" tiffany hums.

"just got off the plane," yuri laughs. and it feels infectious. she's tired and feels it in her eyes. "if all goes well, i'll see you in another two hours or something."

tiffany snorts. "you're dramatic," she says. "you can help yourself to everything in my closet. and, you know, there are shopping malls here." she snorts again, then laughs. "and boutiques. and there's, of course, this mystical thing called the internet."

" _ooo_ , the internet."

"pack lighter next time."

yuri laughs again. they hang up. she trudges up the weird incline. her gate was thrown way back in the international corner. far away, like some weird metaphor. but her heart is jumping. her mouth hurts a little. maybe it might be the smiling. what's weird is that it's no longer about semantics, girls generation's yuri and girls generation's tiffany. they are real people with first and last names. it feels heavy. then it doesn't. or maybe she's lying.

in fact, maybe. the lying part. the weird feeling part. a loss of identity. fun fact: she's thought about calling jessica a lot. more like most days. but this is really how she ends up in california. because most days are tiffany. the furtherest away. she stops thinking about it. feelings or whatever. she's on vacation, as far as she's concerned.

"yah!"

she leaves the gate. tiffany bursts through a sleepy crowd. carries a sign that says _kwon yuri!_ because she's that person.

"you're so dumb," yuri says with a laugh. still grabs tiffany and then buries herself into her neck. "you could have waited for me outside, stupid. no one likes the airport."

tiffany exhales against her throat. her mouth is a little warm. "you're the one that came this late."

"it's nine o'clock for you."

"so?"

yuri grins, ruffling her hair. "i missed you," she says simply.

tiffany rolls her eyes. laces their fingers together too. she shoves a granola bar into yuri's hand. says something like _was_ at yoga. yuri takes it, eats it, and pouts. because it feels really, really normal. and maybe she's not really ready for that.

but she does take a good look. can't expect her not to. she pretends to listen to tiffany talk about her class. talk about where they'll have breakfast tomorrow. another yoga class, but on the beach. if it's not overcast again; _you'll like it_ is all she hears. yuri doesn't know what she expected when she decided to visit. they all separated in a fit of tears and hugs, but mostly growing pains. old ones. she remembers sooyoung's voice the most, "this isn't personal." calm, cool, collected. there was seohyun too: "i need to move forward." her shoulders set back. mouth firm and determined. tiffany always the most nostalgic was the echo, sat alone, another echo, and smiled sadly. "i need some space," she told them all.

yuri shakes her head.

"are you okay?" tiffany asks. tugs her hand.

the luggage carousel is empty. it's spinning. she recognizes no one from her flight. her fingers hug tiffany's hand. "just tired," she says.

sleep first, yuri thinks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

the apartment is like she's always lived here.

yuri hates that. it's also way too early in the morning. "i don't want to go to yoga," she says sleepily.

"jetlag?" tiffany asks and this is in her all-white kitchen.

it's everything she expects. the apartment. there are flowers from taeyeon on the coffee table. pink roses. because they're _super_ cheesy like that. yuri's hair is still a mess. she wears some kind of legging combo. half her outfit yesterday anyway.

the kitchen smells like eggs. not because she wants them. but because tiffany makes eggs and bacon and you are supposed to eat them. she even smiles like she's trying not to say "breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" when maybe they should have really done the california thing and gotten acai bowls.

" _jetlag_?"

tiffany is asking her again. yuri blinks.

"yeah. sorry," she says. she smiles brightly and drops to the couch. "just looking around, you know."

tiffany snorts. "nothing's changed."

"a lot has." the reply is instantaneous. tiffany recoils. yuri feels a little guilty. "sorry," she adds. "you know i wasn't trying to be mean."

tiffany turns her back to her. returns to the eggs. "it's fine," she calls. her voice sort of echoes. "i know it's a little weird still."

"weird isn't half of it," yuri mutters.

eggs crackle. bacons smells like _bacon_ , she thinks too with a laugh. everything is weirdly domestic. she wonders if tiffany does this with taeyeon. probably. but it doesn't explain the knots in her stomach.

"i missed you," she calls. says out loud. it's not abrupt; yuri hates hiding. "i know we were both all over the place before you moved. but it's still weird."

"are you okay?"

tiffany carries two plates. two eggs for yuri. a plate full of bacon. she comes back with a second bowl for herself. yogurt and avocado or something. they sit next to each other on the couch and tiffany hands her a fork.

"i'm okay," yuri says. she takes a bite of her food. "are _you_ okay?"

"no," tiffany answers cheerfully. yuri blanches. tiffany shrugs too. "it's all really new and scary."

"you know you'll be okay."

"maybe," tiffany echoes. sounds like she really doesn't believe herself.

yuri feels a little guilt. slides forward. digs her fork into a piece of bacon and bites down hard. 

"you will," she manages. yuri straightens her shoulders back. resolved. she holds a fist up. "you have me." her eyes are glittering and tiffany laughs. "i'm _serious_ ," yuri insists.

tiffany laughs again. kinda like a private joke.

yuri tries not to think about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

taeyeon says to her before she leaves: "say hi to her."

"you talk to her every day," yuri had rolled her eyes. they are all a little sensitive. the way it went. she had even checked her watch. to make a point. "you probably will talk to her in about a couple of hours. actually twenty minutes."

taeyeon doesn't laugh. sighs and sounds worried. maybe guilty. it feels like they've been here before. ironically.

"i know." taeyeon is serious. "but i'm glad you're seeing her."

the problem was yuri didn't know what to say back.

 

 

 

 

 

it's cold when they get ice cream. yuri wears the thick jacket. she's flushed. regrets it hard.

tiffany keeps their arms linked. points out spots she goes to. a breakfast place. meetings with coffee there. my older brother _loves_ their veal. it's a very real thing. a painful, tentative thing. knowing that she lives her and not a different neighborhood. that yuri can't exactly drive to see her in the middle of the night. that it's about time zones and expensive flights.

"what kind of ice cream did you get again?"

yuri blinks. caught, she flashes a crooked smile. "coffee," she says. "like the last time i was here."

"you're a million miles away," tiffany murmurs.

"just thinking," yuri answers.

"i know how you feel," tiffany agrees. yuri doesn't know why. or what to say back. instead, tiffany drags them to a bench. "it's a little overwhelming," tiffany admits too.

"are you sure you're okay?"

tiffany is quiet. she spoons ice cream into her mouth. then sighs. "i'm not really sure how to answer that." her mouth curls. it's wistful. "in fact, i probably won't have one for awhile." she looks up at yuri. nudges her with a shoulder. "stop worrying."

"but that's like telling you that you _have_ to be okay," yuri insists.

"i know." tiffany laughs. she runs a hand through her hair. "but i'm okay with not being okay. with learning how to be me, you know? just for a little while."

yuri nods. bites into her ice cream cone.

"it feels pretty surreal," she says quietly.

tiffany's head drops against her shoulder. her hair fans out. over her jacket. against her zipper. their arms are still linked.

"i talked to jessica." casual words. tiffany keeps her head on yuri's shoulder. yuri feels her face warm. "that was pretty surreal too," tiffany says. "i couldn't ask her advice. asked about the weather though. she laughed and told me to call her mom and visit san francisco. my hands were shaking at the end of the call."

yuri purses her mouth. swallows. "i think about calling her too." everyone is different. "i'm so terrified about, you know? i stayed behind. so what is she going to say to me? something contractual obligation."

"she's not that cruel."

"she _should_ be." yuri shakes her head. "i would be." then: "i'm not ready for the unknown yet. she was the bravest. you are the bravest." she pushes her hair from her eyes. "me? i feel like... i know i'm doing the best thing for me. but -"

it's the slow burn. the ice cream cone is forgotten. the corner of yuri's hand is sticky. she panics. only a little. swallows twice. ignores tiffany sitting up. feels tiffany's knees turn towards her. feels herself feel a little too off.

"i'm not making sense," yuri mumbles.

"you're making a lot of sense," tiffany corrects.

"liar," she whispers. tiffany presses fingers against yuri's jaw. yuri forgets everything around her. a little here. a little more there. yuri leans into her fingers. she should say something like, "i couldn't do what she did. what you did." instead, yuri squeezes her eyes shut. "i'm sorry," she says.

tiffany kisses her then. it's clumsy. might have to be. she misses her mouth. grabs her jaw. one of them laughs and it's _like we should be better than this_. but they're not.

they're not and yuri turns her head. finds tiffany's mouth. slicks her lips over her bottom lip. sucks off the chocolate chip whatever. because it's sweet. it's a distraction. ignores the rise of her heart. the actuality of her ribs scrapping against her chest. maybe it's easier to call it breathing.

but breathing means that she's aware. aware that she is kissing tiffany and everything is hot. that it grows and spills from her belly. all the while as she cups the back of tiffany's neck. as tiffany opens her mouth to deepen the kiss. breathes back _yuriyah_ into her mouth. it's also her hand over her hip. her fingers crawling under her shirt. pulling at it. wanting to touch skin.

"what is this," she manages. croaks too. pulls back because she _can't_. and can too. "what are we doing?"

"i don't know." tiffany's mouth is red. peach, maybe. there is lipstick on the column of yuri's throat. "should i?"

that is a rhetorical question. between their feet, the ice cream cone is broken on the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

yuri goes to bed alone.

for the record.

she also goes to bed with her thoughts. leaves the window open. listens to the roaring of the ocean a block away. then tiffany in her kitchen. in the bathroom. on the phone. a nighttime routine.

she lies in bed and stares at the ceiling. thinks about putting music on to help her sleep. reassures herself that this is vacation. stupid things happen on vacation. can't understand the difference between baggage and a kiss.

but she thinks about the kiss. her hand flattens against her chest. over her breast and t-shirt. then the fringe of her tank. it crawls over her belly. it lingers. tiffany puts something in her kitchen sink. clang. yuri pushes her fingers at the waistband of her shorts. waits. listens to the television turn on.

she used to do this a lot. wait. cue fingers. breathe. this is not about feelings. the news sounds off in the living room. must be after eleven or something. yuri closes her eyes. pushes her lips together. slides her fingers into her shorts. bites her lip. keeps her eyes open and turns her wrist. the first time she breathes it's soft. her fingers are slick. " _idiot_ ," she sinks her teeth into the covers. and turns her wrist again.

also on the record? this is like riding a bike.

it's familiar.

 

 

 

 

 

the ocean water in the morning is a stupid idea.

"a _really_ stupid idea," tiffany complains. stands in yuri's borrowed suit. "it's going to be cold," she says, then yells, " _fuck_!" because the water is cold and it's barely eight am.

yuri laces her fingers through tiffany's. laughs. because she is right. the water is cold. the sun is slow. everything feels like it's a mess. and she probably hasn't really slept or adjusted to the time change. whatever excuse seems to be the right fit.

she does pull tiffany forward. they wade through the water. move around. yuri uses adrenaline as the excuse. but grins widely at tiffany because _vacation_ and beach aren't usually synonymous. she still drops into the water. teeth chatters. she wets her hair anyway. when she surfaces tiffany is looking at her with a wild expression. eyes dark. eyes confused. maybe not the best idea.

"you kissed me and i remembered suddenly," yuri says slowly. "i remembered how i always thought you were in love with taeyeon. who duh was in love with jessica. and how jessica loved her back. but the whole thing seemed really, really sad and i didn't want to get involved because it seemed stupid to."

tiffany wades closer. the tide isn't cruel. but it pushes at yuri's back as she turns. yuri cocks her head to the sky.

"i don't like messy." yuri laughs. "no one does, i guess. but me? i really hate it. hate it with a passion."

tiffany is soft. "i know."

"no," yuri says. "you don't," she says too. she looks at tiffany. "because eighteen year old me wants to tell you about the million of times that i spent thinking about you. probably in love with you. watching you watch taeyeon. holding her hand. blushing when you got close. listening to sooyoung tell me that my crush was one sided or whatever." yuri scoff. "and then there was the other stuff. me wondering what it would be like to kiss you. or touch you. or kiss you and touch you instead of wondering." yuri reaches forward. pushes a strand of wet hair behind tiffany's ear. "i'm not confessing," she says. "i don't know if you could take it. or if i'm selfish and i'm the one that can't take it. but you kissed me. you kissed me and i don't really know what to do." her mouth curls. "it feels like this hasn't left me yet. if that makes sense. i guess i'm trying to say that i mind that i don't mind you kissing me. or that i want to kiss you back. or that this is happening and there's no clear road to it and that i kind of hate that? i need a beginning and end. i need progress, i guess." she's rueful again. but tiffany is smiling. she makes a sound. might be a laugh. yuri shakes her head. "i came because i missed you. wanted to be here with you. and now, i think i'm going to be stupid and selfish instead."

it's weird because her voice is steady. it's unexpected. at least, to yuri. she meets tiffany's gaze this way. watches. then wonders. then shakes her head ruefully. leaning in, this is how she kisses tiffany too. keeps a kind mouth. moves it and breathes into her. slides her tongue along her lip and listens to the shaky mew that tiffany gives in.

neither of them panic. there is an arm at her waist. a hand cups her butt. then back to her thigh. yuri beats her to it. presses her tongue into tiffany's. bites her lip. then drags her fingers over tiffany's stomach and feels tiffany shudder against her. they are clumsy again. tiffany's suit peels back with a resounding snap. or well. yuri likes to think that's how it sounds underwater.

she is tentative though. pushes her finger along her clit. thinks _can i do this_ and then gasps when tiffany grabs her wrist to push her hand forward. everything is open. when tiffany drops her head against yuri's shoulder, yuri watches a jogger pass by. the little tufts of air that come out of tiffany's mouth coexist with the pattern of movement yuri picks for her finger. and then two.

yuri tries not think of everything as wet. instead, it's a warm sensation. the swimsuit material pulls at her wrist. tiffany sinks her teeth into her shoulder with an _oh god_ and yuri flicks her wrist into a faster motion. 

"this okay?" yuri asks. her voice is shaking. her skin is covered in goosebumps. and it's straining. "is it?"

"mm." tiffany's lips pucker and bite at her swimsuit strap. "go a little faster. i want -"

she peaks and yuri finds her mouth with her own. swallows the cry and keeps her fingers inside of tiffany as the water hits their side. one of them laughs. but it's not answer. for them, it seems like that's okay right now. for the moment.

it takes a minute. but tiffany kisses her again. lingers and swallows.

"breakfast," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

they're in no hurry.

seems off-putting probably. they go shopping in the afternoon. to load yuri up with gifts, tiffany reminder. yuri can't muster much to care. but she holds the shopping bags. holds tiffany's hand. ignores tiffany when she buys a housewarming plant for her new house. 

"it's _your_ plant," tiffany insists. eyes narrowing. it's like a dare. or maybe an answer.

yuri tries too. "guess i'll have to come back. for the plant."

small steps, you know.


End file.
